I maghi di successo hanno un potere incredibile. Muoiono le loro bacchette , spruzzano alcune parole arcaiche e all'improvviso il cielo si spacca di fulmini , il fuoco brucia la terra e i demoni strisciano davanti ai loro piedi.
E poi ci sono i fallimenti: apprendisti sconsiderati, adepti assetati di potere e prestigiatori tre volte maledetti che ipotecano le loro stesse anime per l'immortalità e cappelli stravaganti.
Vedi, la stregoneria non è per i deboli di cuore. È una camminata sul filo del rasoio su un abisso di dannazione. È un atto di giocoleria di forze catastrofiche e rivelazioni esasperate. Ci sono cento modi per rovinare un dato incantesimo e, come si suol dire, sei un genio se riesci a pensare a 10.
Quindi, nella speranza di educare i futuri praticanti delle arti taumaturgiche, ecco 10 esempi di fallimento magico: una sala della vergogna, se vuoi, popolata da uomini e donne che sono caduti in disgrazia, hanno cercato le stelle o semplicemente non sono riusciti ad andarsene l'asfalto in primis.
Impara dai loro errori, gentile lettore, ed evita i loro tragici destini.
- Bartemius Crouch Jr.
- Giovanni Costantino
- Avyctes di Poseidonis
- Il capo
- Faust
- Scuotivento
- Wilbur Whateley
- Saruman
- La regina
- Re del ghiaccio
10: Bartemius Crouch Jr.
Lord Voldemort ha impiegato innumerevoli codardi, psicopatici e adulatori nella sua ascesa al potere, ma solo il più grande servitore del mago oscuro fa questo tragico elenco.
Scioccato? Potresti benissimo esserlo. Dopotutto, Barty Crouch Jr. non era un tipo svogliato. Non solo si è infiltrato a Hogwarts, ma lo ha fatto rapendo e impersonando il formidabile Alastor "Malocchio" Moody. Ciò ha richiesto una finezza magica e tutti ci sono caduti. Insegnanti e studenti allo stesso modo hanno preso Crouch per l'articolo autentico mentre insegnava a lezioni di Difesa contro le arti oscure di giorno e complottava segretamente per consegnare Harry Potter al signore oscuro durante le pause pranzo e i periodi di pianificazione.
Ecco il kicker: Crouch è riuscito! Eppure era così impeccabile la sua esecuzione, così perfetto il suo travestimento, che in realtà si è dimostrato un istruttore eccezionale per i suoi giovani allievi. Insegnò a Potter e ai suoi amici a superare tutte e tre le maledizioni imperdonabili e a sconfiggere le forze del male. Brava, accovacciato.
La lezione : un'etica del lavoro instancabile è un tratto eccellente in un mago, ma forse rallenta un po' quando si tratta di addestrare l'arcinemico del tuo padrone. Altrimenti, a che serve torturare innocenti, uccidere tuo padre e morire nelle grinfie di un Dissennatore?
9: Giovanni Costantino
I maghi sono una compagnia pericolosa per i Babbani nelle migliori circostanze. Se non stanno attivamente perseguendo un potere oscuro o un segreto proibito, allora sono probabilmente nemici di qualcuno che lo è. Possono essere divertenti, affascinanti e sexy, ma il pericolo arriva sempre bussando, e raramente è il ragazzo con la bacchetta magica che finisce all'obitorio.
Il che ci porta a John Constantine, il detective dell'occulto con un bell'aspetto da rockstar e un talento per far uccidere tutti i suoi amici e amanti. Anche nella comunità dei maghi noir, questo Hellblazer ha una sorta di reputazione. Molti degli spiriti più offesi perseguitano persino Costantino dall'oltretomba, comprese due vittime di un disastroso tentativo di esorcismo a Newcastle.
Afflitto dal senso di colpa, Constantine inizialmente soffrì per due anni di follia in seguito all'incidente di Newcastle prima di stabilirsi in un profondo, cupo pozzo di disprezzo di sé e amarezza. Di tanto in tanto salva ancora il mondo, ma la felicità non è nelle carte.
La lezione: Maghi, pensa a lungo e intensamente prima di invitare il tuo amante a una seduta spiritica improvvisata o di andare a casa di un amico quando c'è un demone a piede libero. Ti muovi in circoli pericolosi, ma almeno puoi sparare missili magici. Risparmia i tuoi amici e risparmia a te stesso decenni di tormenti pieni di sensi di colpa.
8: Avyctes di Poseidonis
Nobody bats an eye when a novice wizard gets in over his head. But dark mysteries and ancient sorceries can overcome even the wisest wizard. Just consider the case of Avyctes of Poseidonis. He didn't use his power to brutalize a kingdom. He didn't plot to cast the Earth into darkness. He was content to pine away his final years in study.
Avyctes, however, was an addict. His drug of choice? Forbidden knowledge. So while schemes and worldly power failed to interest him, the mysteries of the ancients proved an irresistible temptation.
So Avyctes purchased the oldest, rarest thing he could find: a mirror-bright tablet of the primordial serpent-people. Absolutely no one knew how the thing worked, and the wizard had to call up the ghosts of prehistoric shamans just to figure out which way to read the text.
When he finally succeeded in activating the thing, it summoned a ghastly shadow. At first this pool of blackness just lay on the floor, but the thing crept steadily closer to Avyctes' own shadow, until finally the two dark patches touched. Avyctes' death was horrible, but that was just the beginning. The ghastly shadow made the wizard's corpse its new avatar, twisting the dead flesh into a vessel for its own unknowable desires.
The lesson: Never recite an incantation you don't understand. That's common sense for most accomplished wizards -- at least until scholarly curiosity overpowers caution.
7: The Master
Say what you will about the Master, but this stylish servant of Manos had potential: hypnotic powers, an advanced grasp of fire magic and power over life and death. Plus, just look at that fashion sense! Half the wizarding battle is knowing which robe to go with.
Based out of a desert compound, he could have been the next Nix "the Puritan," but instead the Master decided to marry every woman in sight and buy a dog. He eventually hired a dim-witted satyr named Torgo to look after the place.
And that's pretty much it. Presumably, the Master continues to wander around in his robes, worship a hand deity and probably play Xbox 360 in the rumpus room. Why translate forbidden texts or ascend to godhood when you can play "Call of Duty" and eat Funyuns all day?
The lesson: Wizards, it's perfectly fine to absorb yourself in dark hobbies and inane scholarly pursuits, but use those powers for something! Open a cursed novelty store at least. Sponsor a Hobbit. Don't squander your gifts running a lackluster polygamist cult.
6: Faust
Lust can corrupt just about anyone, all the more if you conjure a direct line to the Prince of Darkness and start making crazy requests. You know, like magic rejuvenation and the chance to bed every duchess in Italy.
That's the deal Faust makes with the demon Mephistopheles: unbridled debauchery and jaw-dropping magic powers all for the low, low cost of his immortal soul. See, like all humans, Faust stunk at weighing short-term pleasures against long-term pains. That's why his tale strikes such accord with the rest of us. To some extent, we all fill our days with Faustian bargains.
In some versions of the story, a repentant Faust overcomes his contract with damnation via the classic legal loophole of true love . Other storytellers send him straight to hell.
The lesson: Don't sign contracts with demonic entities, wizards, no matter how sweet the payoff seems. Credit card companies make their fortune off debt not loans, and you can be sure that hell has a similar business model.
5: Rincewind
The wizard Rincewind finds a perfect home at the dead center of this list. He's a man of meager plots at best and, for all his legendary ineptitude, he's yet to stumble into a fate worse than death. He carries on thanks to his unequaled survival instinct, extreme cowardice and the blessing/curse of one or more deities and demigods.
Rincewind occasionally helps save Discworld from this doom or another, but he also boasts an impressive ability to solve minor problems by turning them into major disasters. So it all kind of balances out. Most impressively, he has almost no magical skill whatsoever. Aside from a single arcane spell accidentally lodged in his brain, Rincewind's sorcerous acumen is mostly a matter of book smarts .
The lesson: On the plus side, take heart that even the most useless of wizards enjoys certain survival privileges. But here's the other side of the coin: Wizards by their very nature stumble into dangerous and terrifying circumstances. Don't run, because you'll wind up at the center of the story anyway.
4: Wilbur Whateley
There's much to admire in Wilbur Whateley. Born the bastard spawn of an erratic albino mother and an incorporeal father, the young man overcame his many inhuman deformities to become something of a self-taught expert in the world's blackest sorcery. Plus, he did all this while supporting a decrepit grandfather and an amorphous, cattle-gobbling twin brother.
But the man had dreams – big dreams. Whateley aimed to summon the blasphemous Old Ones back to Earth and birth a new age of darkness. So this half-human scholar, barely hiding his crotch tentacles, set out to obtain a copy of the dreaded "Necronomicon " from the local library.
Naturally, they rejected his request out of concern for Earth's safety. So Whateley did what any sensible wizard would do: He attempted armed burglary – and was promptly killed, stripped and partially eaten by a guard dog.
The lesson: Wizards, occult secrets and dark wisdom are one thing, but don't turn to petty crime in order to achieve your sorcerous goals. Just remember poor Whateley, his cosmic ambition and the dog that ate him.
3: Saruman
Talk about a fall from grace. Saruman the White was a heaven-sent demigod, gifted with all the magical might and political charm to unite the peoples of Middle Earth against the forces of darkness. That's something of a dream job in the wizarding world, but alas the grass is always greener.
Over time that dream job soured. Endless White Council meetings and planning sessions consumed Saruman's days, while outside a storm of modernity began to creep into the world. So Saruman decided to cast it all aside and make a play for the all-powerful One Ring. He industrialized Isengard, raised an army of orcs and set out to make his mark on the world.
It didn't quite work out. Isengard fell. His armies scattered. Too prideful to crawl back to Gandalf and the White Council, he instead conquered the Shire and attempted to modernize the hobbits. Defeated here as well, he died at the hands of his backstabbing lackey Wormtongue in one of Hobbiton's worst neighborhoods.
The lesson: Look, the life of a highly successful wizard isn't all Balrog battles and dark wizard duels . Sometimes you just have to sit through a meeting, fill out some paperwork and settle for collective glory.
2: The Queen
An overpowered device, be it an iPhone or a magic mirror, is a recipe for disaster. At first it's the utility of the thing. Sometimes you NEED to check your e-mail on the go or ask a demonic visage for updates on the kingdom.
But then the inevitable abuse begins. You start checking football scores at red lights. You fire up "Angry Birds" at your brother's wedding. In a moment of waning self-confidence, you even ask your magic mirror to rat out pretty girls so you can deploy axe-wielding henchmen to cut out their hearts.
That's exactly the trap our queen fell into. Jealously protective of her status as "the fairest of them all," she used her mirror to magically e-stalk her rival. When her huntsman failed her, she turned to even darker magic, twisting her appearance into that of an old hag and gifting Snow White a bevy of lethally cursed items: a haunted corset , a toxic comb and finally a poison apple.
In the end, her murderous attempts failed. Depending on the account you read, she either died a twisted hag, pursued by murderous dwarves, or the sadistic Snow White forced her to dance in red hot iron shoes at her wedding.
The lesson: Whatever the details of her downfall, the queen's fate was avoidable. Let well enough alone and don't use your magic to pursue petty vendettas. Just turn the smartphones off, set the demonic mirror aside and read a book or something.
1: Ice King
Magical artifacts are always a gamble. They tempt us with powers beyond our wildest dreams, but there's always a price to pay.
Just before the great mushroom war cast the world into a post-apocalyptic world of magic and monsters, an antiquarian named Simon Petrikov acquired an ancient golden crown. To wear this artifact was to invite strange visions and lapses of consciousness – but it also gave the wearer chilling magical powers.
Petrikov lost his sanity to the crown and in turn lost his fiancé Betty -- all as the world descended into atomic desolation . While the crown enabled Petrikov's survival and granted him an unnaturally long life, it reduced him to a bumbling, petty and desperately lonely old man. Now known as The Ice King, he dodders away in his fortress with his pet penguins, plotting to kidnap princesses in a demented attempt to reclaim the love he lost in another life.
The lesson: No one wants to be the Ice King. Sure, his powers are pretty dope and the crown sure does look fancy, but his fate serves as a reminder that cursed artifacts are a horrible magical investment. That's why we call them "cursed" magical artifacts and not "entirely reasonable" magical artifacts. They're shortcuts to power at best.
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Author's Note: Top 10 Wizarding Fails
Failure and magic go hand in hand. No one wants to read a story about a wizard who accomplishes all his or her goals and makes it home in time for dinner. Ultimately, it's all about wisdom and power and the misconception that one or the other will protect us from misery, misfortune and death. Wizards fail because we fail, and their fantastic exploits are but a strange reflection of our own lives.
Detto questo, alcuni maghi hanno avuto troppo successo per essere inclusi qui: Merlin, Gandalf, Dumbledore, Voldemort, Dr. Strange, Ged, Anasurimbor Kellhus ... Hanno tutti i loro alti e bassi, ma i loro alti sono tutti piuttosto sorprendenti - sì, anche Voldemort. Parla di un go-getter!
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